Tuesday, June 30, 2009

relationship problems.

in relationship counseling i hear this all the time....." he doesn`t remember to do this or that, or he doesn`t know what i`m thinking".

now, this is obviously a woman speaking, but it`s true, he doesn`t remember to do this or that, and he doesn`t know what she`s thinking.

now; it begs the question, why?

why does he become a forgetful anti-psychic, when he used to be spot on 100% of the time?

when a man excuses himself from remembering tasks and knowingwhat she was thinking, he will say, "it`s because i`m tired, or i was doing something else or i got distracted with extra work or......"

simple cause and effect reasoning.

she immediately goes inside and tells herself "he doesn`t love me".

and that makes a man cringe.

so, let`s back up. whenthey first met he would get everything done and literally read her mind about everything...movies, trips, the colour of the bathroom wallpaper, what to do tonight....etc.

and why?

he was paying attention to her every gesture, her every comment, her every dream.


he wanted to know, to provide, and to be her everything.

and she, of course, sucked this up...naturally, and became used to his attention, and knows the difference when it changes.

why does it change?


time erodes the freshness and excitement of the commitment two people feel for eachother, and life creeps in.

and life might contain the fact that the woman has taken this attentive man for granted and he wears thin of the prince charming game.

so, lets look at the rewards a man recieves for his attentitiveness....if we dare.

if we dare to suggest that there was an exchange of value between them both and that the man was recieving something for his efforts so freely given, then we might see some reason for his inatentitiveness.....recently.

maybe he felt he was made to feel a man for his efforts in the traditional ways. she "loved" him back.

she acted as his wife by being as attentive and as psychic in return. she loved his attitude about things, she loved his behaviour and she loved his emotional and physical love.

this is the glue that binds a relationship together.

a man and a woman contribute equally, in different ways, and eaches contribution is critical to the survival of the relationship.

so when a woman says "he`s not this or that anymore....". i wonder what she`s not doing anymore either.

and when i hear a woman say, i wish i could find a man who would be this or that with me, i have to ask are you going to be the woman to make that work?


Hammer said...

Good post.

I think people's energy levels are higher in the beginning of a relationship then after time they dip down to more manageable levels.

Both sides need to bring something to the table and be honest about their wants and needs in the relationship.

Honestly, many women hold unrealistic expectations when it comes to expecting men to anticipate and cater to their constant whims.

Grant said...

Then you're saying we should be inattentive from the beginning so we won't get their hopes up? Good to know.

dr.alistair said...

hammer, it`s true that people`s energy levels can be higher at the beginning of a relationship...and this is true of all types of relationship....and the one`s that persist are the one`s that were founded on more than the just initial thrill.

unrealistic expectations drive many potential train wrecks.

grant...that might just work. i know a few guys who treat women that way and they get lots of first dates.

hair and nails girls are always a bit of a risk though....getting poked in the eye with a tiara is never good.