Saturday, May 31, 2008

some words i`ve come to live by.

1) it`s much easier to ride the horse in the direction he`s going in.

2) don`t try to teach pigs to dance; you`ll get tired, and the you`ll anger the the pig.

3) politics is for politicians.

4) some lies are truer than others.

5) laughter really is the best medicine.

6) tomorrow never comes.

7) guns don`t kill people, people kill people. gun registries are for politicians. see #3

8) we create our own reality with the language we use to describe it. you are proving my point right now by saying what you are saying about this comment.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

live for today.....

.....for tomorrow never comes.

Monday, May 26, 2008


fuck you too bill......

Friday, May 23, 2008

these words.......

....mean what you think they mean.

you are the god that makes the grass green.

do you believe that?

do you need to believe?

or do you just know?

days like these.

she sat there hunched a great weight was pressing on her shoulders.

she looked intently at my friend as she talked, as if he could somehow lift the burden that was not allowing her to sit upright in her chair.

as i approached i greeted my friend and smiled at her and saw the pain in her eyes.

she didn`t hold my gaze but looked away and down.

as i got my coffee she said her good-byes and in a moment was gone......and my friend told me what had happened.

her boyfriend had left her.

nothing new in happens all the time, yet we never get used to the feeling.

the tearing and tearing.

both. at the same time.

i recognised the look in her eyes and knew that she wouldn`t stay.

because she knows what i`ve been through.

nobody told me there would be days like these.......full of pain.

as much as the pain hurt, i knew that it would get better though.

and i knew looking in her eyes that she had no idea.

and if someone had told me there would be days like this i wouldn`t have understood what they meant.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

something funny is going on.

in fact, it`s downright peculiar.

all of the toasters in the known universe are found on the surface of this planet, and nowhere else.


and so, i`m there a planet somewhere that contains all of the lost socks, or do they just vanish into some n-space, never to be seen again?

and for all the athiests out there, i have a question......

who made the device that made the sun?

we are..........

.............the good news.

we are the bad news.

we are the news. period.

which news do you decide to make?

plan to be disappointed at some point in the future?

plan to be happy now, and then?

in case you weren`t aware, these are all choices.

choices that take the same amount of energy.

the good ones and the bad ones.

it takes as much energy and focus to be fat as thin, rich or poor, heathy or ill.

so choose.

when we realise that we are choosing to be fat, ill and broke.......then we can stop.

and choose to be thin, healthy and rich.

or any point in between.

there are no superhumans. none able to work 24 hours a day, or lift 10,000 pounds, or run 200 miles an hour.

some people just think differently.

they think thin, healthy and rich......

.....and thier lives resonate with the thought.

and the reverse is true also.

but it is tragic that most think that the reverse is the only reality.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

moved by the thrill of the upcoming day.

the football match to come.....

the smiles.

the running.

the scoring of goals.

and the opportunity to share with someone special.

Friday, May 16, 2008


finally, a news article containing good news.

and it reminds me of how we find ourselves with someone that we have feelings for that we aren`t compatable with, yet we persist in trying to make it work.

i wish there had been a test like that for me on more than one occasion.

though there is plentyoffish.......

where i met someone so remarkably compatable with me that i`m still in shock.

she actually likes who i am.

and as much as i dislike (feel uncomfortable about?) dating sites, i have to say that sometimes they work to find someone to be happy with.

so today it`s all good for cats and people.....who act like a fish for a while.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

that`ll help.

when will people realise that politics is for politicians........

Wednesday, May 14, 2008


in the midst of turmoil and challenge we can find a reason celebrate.

in fact we must.

the simple fact that something magical and wonderous is occuring around us all the reason enough to be filled with joy.

even for a moment.

and that moment of elation is enough.

that moment sweeps everything else away.

you know it does.

a smile.

the sight of a flock of geese, like fighter jets flying low.

the perfect cup of coffee.

to ride like the wind.

to know you will fall in love agian.

because you will.

why do we blog?

age old question.

the blog is a modern form of the journal. it allows us to write things down as they come so that we can externalise our thoughts and see them in a different light.

this process lets us see different ways of coping with what sometimes becomes too difficult to handle otherwise.

the past few years have been a time of transition for me, from one form of existance to another.

a metamorphosis.

this blog has been a chronicle of the transition.

one day i will let my children read parts, as they come to thier own challenges, and hopefully it will provide a different dimension for them as they grow into men.

many have read bits, and followed chapters, and commented and helped as they could, and some have come out of judgement found thier "proof" without asking......and i`m ok with that because the benifits i recieve far outweigh the loss of the consideration of those sorts.

this blog is a filter. a test. a work in progress and a celebration.

this blog contains a major part of my life, and i go back and read entries from years ago and remember them like it was now.

like the friend you have known for years who doesn`t judge, but remembers........

a man once said to me as we struggled to get through something we were doing.

he said "we are stronger than we think we are".

this is one way of proving that.

Saturday, May 10, 2008

the mind.

the mind is what we are training. the body just follows blindly along.

what we decide to do, in our mind, makes our bodies go.

when we realise this we begin to prepare our mind more carefully.....

otherwise the careless mind puts the stupid robot body in harm`s way.

the pictures we show ourselves and the voices we hear in our heads make us feel things in our bodies as commands, sensations and emotions.

what pictures are you choosing to show yourself?

just a dream.

i saw the warm green grass under the stade of the tree and lay down for a moment to rest.

i dreamed of the touch of her skin against mine.


and as always i reached for her and failed.

she knows this, and waits.

Friday, May 09, 2008

strange energy.

there was, and still is, a strange energy about the town today.

i rode into starbucks looking to see if her car was there and saw that the coast was clear, and got a bagel.

by the time i put my hand on the door of the coffee shop i noticed her going in the inside door ahead of me.............

another opportunity to use my jedi mastery (for fuck`s sake...why didn`t it work before it was too late?)

so wtf? why is it that we are continually doing this?

my games, her games, what. the. fuck.

i am grateful that the wound has healed at least superficially and that i can function normally, for the most part.

i find myself going over so much of what we did and said together and it is so alien to me that a woman would choose to do what she did.

a short period on a dating site (plenty of fish.) allowed me the distict pleasure of meeting a woman who is as into me as i am into her. we have enjoyed two dates together, and i will see her again tonight.

and there are no buts.

no looking back.

and the strange energy of the town was evident on the roads.

apparently there was an accident on the highway and there was about double the normal traffic on the roads.

it was sunny though and my spirits were high and that`s the main thing.

and i`m looking forward to seeing my new friend tonight.......

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

the scientist in his lab.

i saw her again yesterday.

and yes, my heart lept. but i dropped myself down into a relaxed state and unattached to the thought of her and my heart rate dropped and i went back to my conversation........and i saw something new.

i saw a nervous uncertain girl who couldn`t look over without fiddling with her glasses and her hair as she stood in the line getting her coffee.

i didn`t miss that nervous girl.

this is the nervous girl who ran from a perfect thing. i never saw the nerves.

i felt it. but i ignored it because everything else felt so good.

so now i`m asked to recieve something from this beautiful new one, and i have to find my center to recieve.

otherwise i`m no better than the first one and the new one will get hurt.

life is too perfect and beautiful for that to happen on my shift again.

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

so, here`s the thing...

i had these feelings for a woman that, when she left, made me feel like i was going to die.

and so i go and find another one to be with to see if it will stop the pain......and it does when i`m with her, but the moment i am fifty feet away from her, the pain returns.

but the one i met last night erased the slate entirely.

this morning i woke up and tried to access the pain, and it just flickered for a moment in my chest and if it lost it`s will.

i`m not complaining in the least, but as a scientist i`m fascinated now at the pure neuro-chemical element of all of this.

is love a drug?

when i was on the drug of her the world was a place to play and live at first, but it quickly became something i desperately needed, like heroine, and i became a junkie....needing a fix and the world became dark and lonely and full of fear when she wasn`t around.

so i went cold turkey.

days of agony ensued.

and when i saw her occasionally the dependency rushed in, convincing me that i needed to get away from her.

i shake my head at the desperation of such a situation, and how it consumed my existance for months.

i know now how men stalk and beg and plead with women when they feel this way, not realising that the only answer is to go cold turkey.

you can`t beat an addiction by doing the drug.

but is replacing the drug with another one the answer?

it feels like it this morning.

match day 1.

it was a brilliant clear spring morning with a light breeze coming in off the lake.

we descended there to the stadium by the lake to do battle in pantomime with colours and studded boots on show.

and did we show.

to the crowd of twenty we ran and passed and shot and scored and came away winners 7-2.

the promise of a season of victory hung in the clear spring air as we greeted the final whistle.

and my ham-strings remained intact, thanks to my resistance to opening up fully to the urge to go flat out past the defenders.....though my ego suffered a thousand deaths each time.

and so the wait is over, the long winter without my game has passed, and the battle is once again joined.

Saturday, May 03, 2008

kisses and bullets.

both can effect lives immesurably.

we have to be very careful who we choose to kill......

...or kiss.

may is here......

..........and with is comes the grass and the sun and the game i love the most.

there are many games that humans play....many are unconscious to the players.

games within games within games.

and i`m no different.

i love the dynamics of human interaction and the sheer poetry of the depth of it all.

games are joined and played for so many reasons, as many reasons are there are grains of sand on the shore.

and so to my favorite game.

football, or as they call it in north america, soccer.

to me this game brings people together as all good art does, and stirs the imagination. and with it the soul.....

the soul, once stirred becomes transcendant.

all week i prepare mentally and physically so that i can be the best i can on match day, so that i can run, pass and shoot as part of a team decision to win.

and for 90 minutes i can achieve perfection.

Thursday, May 01, 2008


i told her that i missed her hand in mine when we walked together.

she said she did too, but that she felt safer if we were just friends.


i can`t be angry, even though it would make things easier to deal with.

i can`t dare be sad, or it will just go on forever.

her words made my blood run cold, the way she was so indifferent.

how the fuck do we get this way?