the authentic self.

when you are joyful and happy you have accessed the authentic self. the pre-literate consciousness exists in that boundless experience...........floating in the womb attached to the umbilical listening to the heartbeat of your mother............
it takes a few years for the child to come to terms with the ejection from the womb.............and we spend our lives trying to get back.
language forms in our minds and we speak. the literate world collapses any chance of returning to the warm fluid sac. so we turn away and venture forth, looking to surrogate that joy.
there are moments, of course, where we are so happy we are speachless. (look at the language.........speechless.) but we soon return to the word-formed world away from the warmth and security of mother.
so we become desperate for those experiences that allow us to transcend our linguistic prison any way we can.
stop the words, i want off........we cry.
crying does no good.
stopping the words does.
relax and let the words trail off and imagine looking deep into the dark behind your mind............................deeper and quietly let images form and go by.
pretty soon your breathing will level off and your heart will stop beating as fast and you will notice less words coming at you.
back to the pre-literate womb.
the authentic self.
the more you do that consistantly, the more you will have access to the authentic self any time you need to be there.
and your life and the whole universe will change along with you.............
but that`s another story.

the self.

there is a lot of discussion about the self. it has become a buzz-word of the community here where we are all looking to heal and grow, but there needs to be a finer definition of what the self actually is. we hear about the authentic self and the real self and the self seperate from action, etc......but still, what the hell is the self.
the self is the person we want to be that is reacting to all the pain, all the things that people do and all the things that happen in the world.
reacting.
instead of being able to just accept what is going on and look for solutions.
we take things personally. the person driving fast on the highway aggrevates us and so we speed up and we chase and we gesture and we endanger ourselves and others.............
we have an arguement and we get angry and try harder to prove a point and we over-react and hit out or get a lawyer or..........
but why are we acting this way?
this all goes back to a period in our lives where we were truly powerless and something dramatic happened and everyone panicked and we observed powerless, because we were young, and now, every time we are confronted with a similar situation, boom, horrid feelings, inability to act, fear, pain, anxiety............making things worse by over-reacting.

take the time to love yourself unconditionally..........and confront the first pain and grieve for it.
it may take hours, days, weeks, months or more. but nothing can go on until you have. all the important things that you are trying to do right now, all the fantastic plans, exciting people and events are a reaction to the pain.
when you mourn and grieve the pain can dissipate and your authentic self can emerge, over time...................
trust me, i`m a doctor (almost.).

powerful test.

i do go on at length about how we store and process information in our heads. i cleverly point out that we see pictures and we hear voices in our minds and we get feelings as a result..........and this is true, but there is something that i have never really delved into here so much until recently as i have been faced with a personal crisis. the power of strong feelings for someone not ready to reciprocate.
so i have to knuckle down to the harsh reality of dissecting my own internal sub-modalities in regard to this other person and methodically diminish all of the stimulus that she has provided me over the space of the last few weeks.
i have diminished the pictures of her in my mind, turned down her voice and watched the feelings that those images triggered diminish in kind.
each time i do this the feelings receed further and over time i will forget how she made me feel.
and tomorrow the sun will rise in the east and all will be well.

another sighting........

here we clearly see two young predators being led across a field by an orb. there is clear evidence here for inter-species communication and co-operation. as yet it is unclear as to the motives of either species or the benifits to either for thier involvement in such activities. in the report on this specific sighting it was stated that the two carnivores followed the orb into the field, kicked at the orb, ran around and chased the orb for more than half an hour and then carried the orb back out of the field in a clearly caring way. it wasn`t known whether the orb has sustained injury, become ill or otherwise needed help.
study will continue.

alien life form?

carniverous predators from the planet earth have recently come into contact with orb-like creatures of unknown origin. this picture illustrates the peculiar relationship these vastly different species have together. most of the relationships between these races seem to be playful and vigourous. there have been ritual events of some importance whereby groups of humans wearing bright colours arranged in two teams have been seen to chase one of these orb entities around a field for more that an hour, much to the delight of many thousand other predator beings sitting watching.
there haven`t been many conclusions drawn as yet regarding the purpose of this ritual as we are waiting from a grant from the government to do more studies.

free............

today is a new day, and today`s theme is freedom. it might be the single most important thing in our lives. if we don`t have freedom then we are in a cycle of misery.
freedom comes in so many guises. the feedom to be able to move around, the freedom to choose, the freedom to be able to think.
and who imprisons us? do we do it to ourselves? and then do we not try to imprison others?
the paradox is that as human rights emerge in hte world there is even less freedom. those human rights are laws that get used by some to bind others.
real freedom isn`t situational or conditional, it`s for everyone, all the time.
when we take responsibility unconditionally, then we will all be free.

no brainer.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/football/europe/5251556.stm


even bureaucrats get it right occassionally............and more indication of the trouble to come in the region.

terminator 2.

there is a scene in the movie where the machine is standing with the boy and the woman is sitting watching them play. her voice over then says; "i knew then that the machine would never leave john`s (the boy) side".
the metaphor is that men love thier children and would naturally never leave thier boy`s side. it`s a shame that csociety has to be reminded of something so simple and basic.
how have men and women arrived at this point, where we naturally want certain things yet we get lawyers to fight over money and split families up and terrorise the children by living apart?
this is so unnatural that i suspect an agency at work driving messages of dissatisfacton into people`s minds so that they will destroy a family for a few thousand dollars.
i have an idea who might benifit most from the destruction of the family............

buddhas

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20060806/ap_on_re_as/afghan_rebuilding_buddha

i was saddened and angered when i read about this when it happened initially. to me, it symbolised all that is wrong with the pathological intent of fundementalist religions. the love and devotion that went into the carving of those statues from the living rock it`s self destroyed with the flick of a weapon trigger. and so they will kill people too...............for a belief.
tragic.
i have a friend, jay, who was a lebanese military officer. he fought in the civil war in lebanon and today he and his son played soccer with us and i wanted to tell him how sorry i was that his country is being torn apart along with his countrymen but the sentiment was too strong. i just took heart in knowing that, for at least the time he was on the field today with his boy, that he was happy.
we still beat his team 4-1. this is soccer, after all.

reacting to what?

all of my life i`ve watched people making thier lives miserable by acting angry and hostile toward people who don`t deserve it. mind you, there are people who dearly deserve lead poisoning, but they are few and far between.
the vast majority of people are merely doing the best they can, trying to make the best of thier lives.
what i have realised happens is that people react to the present situation by comparing the situation to one that happened in the past that was similar and using the feelings from the prior experience to fuel thier reaction the new situation.
i have been through a real trial of this process recently and the only thing that has saved me from burning out over it has been my realisation of what i`m reacting to.
i have written here before about the girl i met and the strong feelings i experienced as a result.
now i need to understand that no matter what she`s going through and how she reacts to my suggestions, i have to look after my present well being while respecting her decisions. i also have no clue what she`s thinking about most of the time because i barely see her.
if i get frustrated because things aren`t moving forward she doesn`t need to see that. she doesn`t owe me anything but a smile when we see eachother.
i have listened to other people generalise about how she is doing this or that and trying to get blah, blah, blah, but that`s more of an insight into thier thinking than her`s.
i have got caught up in some pretty painful feelings this last week but it makes me much better to realise that it`s nothing to do with this girl but my past experiences when similar things happened.

it`s not............

an appropriate way to state the way i feel about things.............

and so what are we left with......?

after whatever joy and victory and closure we come to in things we are left, once again, with ourselves. alone and thinking............what was all that fuss and worry about?
well, it was reprogramming something deep within our soul so that we could discern this situation more effectively next time.
i don`t believe in once bitten, twice shy....but i do think that we become more cautious in our endevours and let things reveal themselves more without judgement and condemnation as a result.
if we`ve learned anything.
if not we will put our fears onto others and blame them and hold them responsible for our failures.
if we have learned then we will deal with things with grace and love and courage.
and in that we will have hope.

kind words

y`know the last few days, as hard as they have been, have made me realise that there are people around me who care. the words of understanding, guidance and advice have been so stabilising that i`ve actually had a laugh or two along the way.
thanks.
and now...........soccer time.

love for the self.

we get to a point where we recognise the self as a valuable entity, either intellectually or through faith or frankly having no other choice.....and we realise that some things are capable of so much pain that they need to be avoided. it is not the people involved or the environments in which things happen and in which people exist. it is how we react to the situations and those people.
people deserve thier space and thier time to do what they need to do to get on with thier lives. when we become involved with others there are many complex dynamics that come into play that very quickly become impossible to comprehend.
don`t even begin to try.
realise that some things cannot be changed.
accept things.
they are precious and contain the potential for so much joy.
to begin to manipulate people and situations so that your inability to deal with the situation is never challenged is, well, a guarantee of more pain.
love yourself enough to let go and honour the love in others too.

odd.

http://www.coasttocoastam.com/gen/page25.html

check this picture out. if you have an explanation let me know.

pain.

so you have a situation where things bring you pleasure for a while..........then intense pain. gambling for example or shopping or chasing unavailable women. at first you get the pleasure. playing slots or cards, buying yourself things or sitting and talking with a girl who stares deep into your eyes as you talk to her then flirts with you via e-mail late at night.................
then the pain comes.
you lose your money at the casino. your visa card payment comes, and worst of all, your e-mail inbox is empty.
what do you do?
you realise you can never go back to the casino, or spend indiscriminently and stop checking your e-mail or thinking of clever things to compose in another e-mail to send the first one that didn`t get answered or call her on her cell phone.
you just have to ride out the pain no matter how much it hurts. cold turkey. never again.
and don`t go to starbucks on tuesday night when you know she`ll be glad to talk to you until midnight and stare into your eyes like that.
and why not you say?
because as much as you think it feels so good to be near her, you love yourself unconditionally and would not put yourself in this position again............because it will kill you.

feelings.

my clients are constantly bringing me thier bad feelings. thier bad feelings manifest in behaviours such as smoking or overeating or alcohol or drug abuse or anger. my training helps people to make distinctions between what they feel and why and what they do next.
well a special client has entered my life. he appears occasionally and we talk about many things. we look over his life and see where he has let bad feelings dictate his life......with disasterous results.
slowly, over some years, my client has begun to make the distinction between the feelings inside and external reality and the next thing that needs to be done.
my client has recently found a situation that has stimulated some horrible feelings. these feelings have been so dibilitating as to render him incapable of eating, sleeping and adressing reasonable solutions to probems. all decisions he has made when feeling this way have made the situation worse.
he is begining to realise that there are feelings that he has brought from his past and allowed him to only react to this new situation in certain way. this reaction has caused immesurable pain and the potential to cause ongoing damage to himself and to another person also. someone oblivious to what is going on in my client`s head. someone caught up in thier own issues and struggles. someone who doesn`t deserve what could happen if this continues.
i will continue to see my client when he decides to visit. it`s his choice when to come. i don`t judge.
i just want to see him feel better and make better choices as a result.
it is, after all, my life`s work.

organic fellowship.

i have been compelled over time to want to speak to groups of people. in my work as a therapist i hold seminars for weight loss and stop smoking and in those lectures i find time to speak of the divine spark in all of us....because without that there is no healing. it takes love for the self through a recognition of this spark of divinity to be able to overcome resistance to healing the self, and to do the work necessary. to commit to letting go of old ways of doing things, no matter how comforting they can be.
i feel the need to begin to speak to a broader variety of people about the idea of a personal divinity. a bright spark of life that emerges spontaniously whenever the electrical charge is right. like the massive lightning storm that the region here around toronto has experienced tonight i feel the energy surging through me more and more.
the time is coming where it will be possible for me to pass it on to others in this community and beyond.
now is the time to begin to find the resourses to do just that.

so here`s the thing.

i met a girl. we like each other. we sit and talk and look at each other and smile. she lives in another town and comes to the coffee shop where i met her with her friends on tuesdays. on tuesdays the shop closes at 10 and we end up talking until 11.30 or so and she can barely keep her eyes open. we had a date last sunday and met at starbucks and unfortunately never left because people kept coming in that i knew and we talked with them. she left abruptly at 10 when the shop closed saying she had to get her brother`s dog.........
i was devestated.
it took me all my training to realise that she didn`t owe me anything and we had a nice time together.
so i saw her again yesterday and we talked again until 11.30 or so and she could barely keep her eyes open and so i said good night and rode off.
i got a hundred yards down the road and siad to myself, to hell with this, and rode back and told her that i wanted to see her again...........and she smiled and said yes.
so now i`m desperately in love. the feeling burns in me. it aches a deep pain in my heart that i`ve never experienced before in my life.
i don`t know what is going on and to be honest it really doesn`t feel all that good unless i`m with her.
i have so much to sort out right now in my personal life and in my business that i can`t see this feeling being useful. the thoughts of her just pierce through everything that i am doing during the day.
a lot of weight to pile onto a woman half my age.
life is cruel sometimes.

montanas version of a border patrol.

i thought this picture,with the caption was so damned funny that i had to "borrow" it. bonita, i hope you don`t mind............