Thursday, August 03, 2006

pain.

so you have a situation where things bring you pleasure for a while..........then intense pain. gambling for example or shopping or chasing unavailable women. at first you get the pleasure. playing slots or cards, buying yourself things or sitting and talking with a girl who stares deep into your eyes as you talk to her then flirts with you via e-mail late at night.................
then the pain comes.
you lose your money at the casino. your visa card payment comes, and worst of all, your e-mail inbox is empty.
what do you do?
you realise you can never go back to the casino, or spend indiscriminently and stop checking your e-mail or thinking of clever things to compose in another e-mail to send the first one that didn`t get answered or call her on her cell phone.
you just have to ride out the pain no matter how much it hurts. cold turkey. never again.
and don`t go to starbucks on tuesday night when you know she`ll be glad to talk to you until midnight and stare into your eyes like that.
and why not you say?
because as much as you think it feels so good to be near her, you love yourself unconditionally and would not put yourself in this position again............because it will kill you.

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

you mentioned cold turkey. well there is more to it than you know.

dr.alistair said...

well, yes, i suppose there is. i am lucky in that these feelings haven`t consumed my life and made me reckless. i haven`t damaged or dishonoured her or myself and i know that over time i will stop having the pain. right now it`s tough though. i am grateful to have some strong metal tools to help me cope.................

Anonymous said...

as long as it helps

anu said...

Dr? how can our own feelings kill us? I don't feel we should be afraid of our feelings or afraid to fall in love or afraid to feel the pain. It O.K. if she does not respond, we'll (learn to)handle the pain. But shouldnt we at least express our feelings to her?

Why are we so scared of pain. Its O.K. to feel pain. By feeling it and accepting it, it hurts less, dosen't it? But by trying to shield ourselves with all tools and equipments, we're trying to run away from it and how does that help. I would always scared that what if i'm pained again?

Anyways Dr, these are just my two cents worth. You're far more enlightened than me. And I dont feel my opinion matters to you.

Warm hugs to you.

dr.alistair said...

this has been the greatest test of my enlightenment. the look in her eyes when she looks at me set my soul on fire. i recognised myself in that. how much i love myself. but here`s the problem. i am just out of a long difficult relationship with and i don`t want to go right from the fryiing pan and into the fire......and take someone who i care about with me.
we all need time to grow into recognising and loving ourselves. first. i will see my friend at the coffee shop but i have to just let it slip gently away for now............and if it persists then.......we`ll see.
and i have learned to accept that the pain was my reaction to all the rejection that i`ve experience over the years and the attempts i`ve made to have relationships with unavailable women.

anu said...

"...pain was my reaction to all the rejection.."

Million dollar statement Dr. :)

There, you've got all your answers in you. And we may want to remind ourselves everytime we feel / fear the feeling of rejection and abandonment, that we will (try to) trust ourselves more, trust that we are creating joyful, authentic, happy realities..inspite and despite of what has / will happen/ned.

We will begin trusting ourselves by living in the moment. When we feel the fear of rejection, we will remind ourselves that we are focussing our energy outside and bring it back into the present..into the NOW and focus on what we are creating 'now'.

All this while accepting the feelings of rejection and abandonment. They are children too..they're very valid and real.

If I speak too much or (appear to) advice you, please pardon me. That is not my intention. I'm just sharing my feelings with you Dr. and I am unable to do it well in few words (as you do).

Warm hugs

dr.alistair said...

the answers are inside us all if we dare to look.
no guts, no glory..........mental tools, metal tools.....yeah, whatever.
facing the pain of all the other episodes is what has got me through all the anguish. being able to realise where this all started and begining to release those feelings.
that`s where the authenticity lies.