Wednesday, August 02, 2006

so here`s the thing.

i met a girl. we like each other. we sit and talk and look at each other and smile. she lives in another town and comes to the coffee shop where i met her with her friends on tuesdays. on tuesdays the shop closes at 10 and we end up talking until 11.30 or so and she can barely keep her eyes open. we had a date last sunday and met at starbucks and unfortunately never left because people kept coming in that i knew and we talked with them. she left abruptly at 10 when the shop closed saying she had to get her brother`s dog.........
i was devestated.
it took me all my training to realise that she didn`t owe me anything and we had a nice time together.
so i saw her again yesterday and we talked again until 11.30 or so and she could barely keep her eyes open and so i said good night and rode off.
i got a hundred yards down the road and siad to myself, to hell with this, and rode back and told her that i wanted to see her again...........and she smiled and said yes.
so now i`m desperately in love. the feeling burns in me. it aches a deep pain in my heart that i`ve never experienced before in my life.
i don`t know what is going on and to be honest it really doesn`t feel all that good unless i`m with her.
i have so much to sort out right now in my personal life and in my business that i can`t see this feeling being useful. the thoughts of her just pierce through everything that i am doing during the day.
a lot of weight to pile onto a woman half my age.
life is cruel sometimes.


Bonita said...

Be careful, dear.

dr.alistair said...

bless you.....

Anonymous said...

You are useless or worthless.

dr.alistair said...

to whom?

Anonymous said...

you must be ugly

anu said...

Dr. India (Bombay) had banned blogger for a while after the terrorist attacks (bombings) in the local rains last month in my city. But now blogger is available to me and I'm glad to be back reading my fav blogs.

My heart goes out to you doc, after reading this post. I love the way you express your vulnerable side. I've never seen you this way. But I feel that you're very sweet and adorable :)

dr.alistair said...

well, welcome back then anu........

my coffee friend and i are still seeing eachother over coffee on tuesdays. i am moving out of the home that my wife and i shared for fourteen years on tuesday. so many new things to look forward to.

anu said...

Wow doc I'm very happy for you :)

You're so young and handsome. The very unconditional love you've been tirelessly encouraging us to pursue, is probably returning back its favor to you :)

dr.alistair said...

why not? thank you for saying so. the love inside recognises the love all things.
the birds take the crumbs from our table as we sit and talk.
we sit, knee to knee, just spending time together.
the birds fly to thier nests to feed thier young.
as we sit, smiling.
love is everywhere.

anu said...

And age does not matter at all Dr.
The substance matters, not even the looks.

My ex was 60 years (57yrs when I met him). Well, I met him on chat first and he told me he was 29yrs and I believed him. But later, when I met him in India (he is an American Indian) and when he told me the truth, I didn't matter to me at all.

Though he was half bald, had wrinkles on his face and was double / triple my size and I felt crushed under him on bed (I'm just 5" and petite), I still loved him as much. The love only grew till other things happenned and the relationship turned bitter.

If I've moved away from him today, it is becoz I dont feel he is very authentic and honest. Not becoz of his age or looks.

Love is beyond age and looks. And you look like you are in your mid-30s to me. Besides you have such a charisma, honesty, realness and authenticity about yourself, trust is very difficult to resist you. And I feel she feels that way too ;)

dr.alistair said...

age? i certainly don`t feel any age. it`s about accepting yourself and , as you said, authenicity. i couldn`t live in a state of deception. with myself or with others. the discipline to be real is what allows growth. it gives the strength to really face the pain of what has hurt in the past........and not put that pain on the present events.
this woman has come to be part of that lesson for me. i hope she will stay for more than that.

anu said...

You've interpreted it so well here.

You've created your coffee friend to remind you of love. The very word which you would like to use so many times (as I read you say in some post).

You've created her to let go of 'the' past and step into 'your' magnificient present/future.

She'll stay only if YOU want, afterall you've created her in your world :)

dr.alistair said...

oh yes, that`s my one desire..........
the new life is one of companionship and honesty. it`s time to turn my back on the old ways that were shown to me by people in so much pain.
the pain i have felt through this has been an echo of that past. i have to go toward the new stuff now.
i believe i`m ready.