Saturday, August 12, 2006

crazy life.

so i have these strong feelings for a girl.......a woman. we have spent time at starbucks together and we`ve e-mailed and we`ve shared things so effortlessly. my heart wants to burst out of my chest and i shake like a leaf when we are together and i`m terrified by these feelings.
my friend got sick of me eating myself up over all this and said that i just had to understand that she feels the same way too. she just hides it. she hides it the same way i hide it. we are torn up over the relationships we are leaving and don`t want it to happen again.
who would.
when i looked at things that way i realised that she can`t read my mind and the feelings i`ve hidden from her so as not to scare her is happening to her too.
when i was able to calm myself down around her she calmed down too.
i became calmer when i realised where all the dread was coming from.
the rejection issues i had experienced years ago.
it was nothing to do with her.
her friend took a picture of us together..................i hope she sends me a copy.
and the feelings? they shine out our eyes.


anu said...

I hope so too @ picture.

Dr. you're vulnerable self is very adorable.

I'm off to my aikido class. Guess what? I've learnt to do the forward, backward and side rolls...despite cracking a toe and a finger ;)

Hey, and you know what? The guy who I was so crazy about and I spent sleepless nights thinking and calling him, you remember?

Well, I've ever called him up since last three months, neither am i pinning for him. But guess what Dr? He's been calling me up since last three months saying he cares for me and just wanted to know if I'm doing O.K.

I am courteous to him as I would be to anyone else. But I've lost the connection with him and I certainly don't connect to him even a wee bit now. It does not matter to me whether or not he calls or cares. That chapter is over in my life and I've moved on!

The very pain which I was running away from, I wrote and wrote about it in my whiny space till suddenly...i realised that the pain has created depth and character and sensitivity (towards love and people) in my heart so that I can now contain more joy and love more truely and fully and unconditionally :)

Thanks for your contribution in this.

dr.alistair said...

well, yes........the feelings were bound to fade. the sllepless nights. yes, i`m going through that now. i will never call her and i only e-mail rarely. otherwise she would have every right to run. it`s like walking a tight rope. balance, breathing and focus.
nietzche, the german philospsoher said that what ever doesn`t kill you makes you stronger.