Monday, May 08, 2006

what chance?

a girl meets a boy and they date a few times. i ask her what her new boyfriend is he this, that or the other thing. you know, just casual questions about nothing in particular and then i realise that she is putting conditions in every response that i`m getting.
"oh, we`ll see", etc.
she is saying that she hasn`t made her mind up about whether this guy is going to measure up to her expectations for the future.
she is setting herself up for a series of disappointments that she is incapable of taking responsibility for in the future.
his inability to measure up will become his fault.
how did we all get to this point where we are sabotaging our happiness and we are totally unaware of the fact that we are doing it to ourselves?
i can hear how a person can rationalise all of this in thier mind about how a person is going to be this, that or the other thing in the future, but if you think for a moment you will realise that you can`t measure up to that either..................nobody can predict the future. so why put undue pressure on yourself and others to do the impossible so you can be happy.
here is the equation in a.i. terms. (artificial intelligence.)

if; impossible happens,
then; happiness happens.

in a.i. the programming, sequences are made up of strings of if/then commands.
like if you go forward and hit an obstacle , then turn 90 degrees left.
these command strings become infinitely long in the software of something like a flight simulator or x-box game or sattelite guidance system.....or the human brain.
if a software program had a command line in it that was as buggy as the one i wrote out above then the program would make the device fail.
that`s why i know that putting your hopes for happiness on the impossible is a recipe for disaster.


anu said...

Hi Dr,

In the last one months, i've been attracted to two men. They have many qualities of my ex. And this realisation made me nervous so i sat down to analyse wat attracts me to them?

These men are strongly and fiercely independent. Having a sense of their own self. An essence of themselves. A deep understanding of themselves. A preference to stand up for themselves (note this now: not necessarily for me). Men who like and totally adore themselves.

Now such men have really powerful energy. I have had a very intense relationship with such a man in the recent past. And since i did not know myself well or did not understand myself and my preferences, i could not withstand the power of such a fiercely independent healthy self-loving person.

I recognise that my attraction to these men is the "energy of love and trust" which they have for SELF. This is the same love and trust every tree has for itself, every squirrel and every speck of dust and drop of rain has. It is the universal energy of power.

Now having recognised all this, i initially got excited thinking 'oh well, maybe i'm on the right track as i'll learn something'.

But now this same realisation is giving me splitting headaches. I've begun to notice that i like to dream, as it costs nothing but is pleasurable to me.

And now when i wake up, i get this feeling that if these men like themselves so much and i see myself getting really obsessed with their self-love, its not getting me closer to me. Its getting me closer to them.

And if they know, i'm thinking so much about them, chances are they're going to feel i'm a piece of shit. As they will recognise my needs and wants and expectations 'from' them which i cannot satisfy myself as i dont love myself enough yet and they will keep distance from me.

As they will know that in the end, this will lead to the same path, where i end up trying to cling to them, becoz i can sense this great power (of self-love n trust for themselves in them).

Now i feel, i'm not able to measure up to their levels Dr. I know in theory that i dont need to measure up to anything if i love myself enough. But that is not how it works right now. I do feel the distance and recognise that if i get closer to these people i'll end up 'needing' them more than loving them and they will be frustrated recognising this and it will end up in the same fuckups.

And i am also feeling the pressure emotionally and a nervousness in me, thinking if these men know that i think like this then they're going to know in a jiffy right that i'm just full of these issues and i dont love myself enough so they wont want to get into a relationship with me.

I've found it very difficult to express this in words. And i'm having sleepless nights on account of this. Well this is the best i could do. Any impressions from you on this are welcome Dr?

dr.alistair said...

it is healthy for you to know yourself and see how you have, in the past, clung to that which you have wanted to be inside of you but felt wasn`t. can you see how far you have come as a result of this awareness?
the discipline is in being authentic and expressing your true self at all moments. words, gestures, deeds, posture and all of the package that is you speaks this to others....but inside is where it really counts.
if a partner is truly able to be devoted to themselves they will be able to share thier existance with another traveller of like mind.
it is your decision to be that way.
ifyour commitment is you yourself first, then that authentic energy will project out into the universe.
you tell me that you recognise that in these people. do they speak of it?
do you?
your journey is where your authenicity lies. where your love is. where you want companionship.
your companionship will come from those who are walking in a similar fashion, not because they offer something you cannot provide for yourself, but because they are like you.

anu said...

But i dont like people who are 'like' me. Becoz i am getting immensely attracted to people who like themselves. The reason being these people can express their love and affection without expecting the other person to compensate for their lack. So they have a more natural love than me.

As a result of this, they are not dependent on their partner for any love and affection. And i want to be like that Dr. I want to be like them --- self-loving, fiercely independent, healthy and in a way ruthlessly in love with oneself.

Bascially i see that POWER in them. That is what is making me attracted to them. I feel the POWRlessness in me. It makes me so vulnerable and weak. I also want that Power Dr.

My own 'power' which comes from being ME.. SO never again in my life will i be dependent on any man or woman or any tangible or intangible item for any source of joy or happiness. Becoz iknow that power is in me. Now i know thisin theory but i also know i DONT have it in me in practice.

So i dont wnat men who are like me. I wnat to be like the men i am attracted to. See? i am unable to like where i stand now. And i feel stuck with all these realisations!!

Please hellp me

dr.alistair said...

it is a matter of accepting yourself. you stated that you want to know the unconditional love inside. you have to choose to not put conditions on yourself. that`s all. the conditions are where we bind ourselves up in what could happen or what didn`t happen in the past. this gives us the permission to beat ourselves up over and over, like you did in the last post.
look to where you are capable and powerful and fill yourself up with that attitude. treat yourself as you would those you admire and want to have relationships with.
stop the criticisms completely....forever.
only then will love take it`s place.

anu said...

Thank you Dr Alistair for your feedback and suggestions. I see i won't get far if i keep discounting myself. So i'm going to work on accepting myself the way i am and acknowledging and appreciating myself for what i am.

dr.alistair said...

you certainly will not. there is a method in nlp, called pacing, which is used in client sessions to emulate the behaviours of a client in subtle ways, covertly even, for a while, and then ever so slightly modify the actions of the self so that the client will start to copy the new behaviour i`m exhibiting.
i`m telling you this because it happens to us all when we interact with others. we are mostly unaware of the process but certainly feel the results.
nlp practitioners are not magicians. we understand mechanisms that are unconscious to most and use them to offer help.
pacing has to ulimately lead to good feelings or it`s distructive....whether you understand the process or not.
so choosing good feelings is critical because it creates your entire universe.

anu said...

Thank you Dr Alistair. That was a great suggestion. So how do i do pacing on myself? If i always try to choose the highest good feeling i have at any moment, will that help?

Or are we talking about something else here?

dr.alistair said...

no. you are precisely right. choose the best feelings you have, or find evidence of good feelings in others and pace them............

anu said...

Thank you Dr Alistair, that sounds like an exciting exercise. It is bright early morning here. What better time than to start implementing it today, right now:-)