Saturday, March 25, 2006

a guide to football (soccer.)

football is a sport. it is distinct from other forms of activity held out as sport which, whilst engaged in by athletes, entail enourmous amounts of time standing around or waiting for votes to so see who won.
here are a few activities which fall into that category;
baseball.
figure skating.
synchronised swimming.
here are a few activities that are held out as sports and aren`t even played by athletes.
baseball.
poker.
golf.
darts.
curling.
as much as i personally dislike basketball, i have the greatest admiration for the athleticism of these exceptionally large people.
now that we`ve clarified some distinctions about football, lets have a closer look at the activity it`s self.

purpose; to enrage the supporters of the other team by drawing them into a barrage of insults in the form of songs, chants and repeated epithets, and to encourage the players on your team to score more goals than the opposition.
tactics; to make as many disparaging comments about the opposing team, thier manager, thier tactics and rumours about transfers of thier striker to barcelona in the off-season as possible in the papers the day of the match. to confuse the referee so much in the early going by diving, argueing each whistle and posing for pictures during throw-ins. dying your hair red to match your shirt.
strategy; put a weaker team out in the league cup to rest your stars for the euro clash next tuesday. make up more shit to say to the papers after the game.
clarifications. the lads hugging after a goal are not necessarily homosexual. they are happy to score a goal. could be poofs though.......there have been questions.
the player rolling on the ground is not dying. he`s waiting until the ref pulls out a yellow card.
offside is defined as anything the ref bloody well says it is.
the reason why that new striker is standing around is that he cost a great deal of money and doesn`t want to get knackered in any sense of the word.
a referee isn`t a bureaucrat. he`s thier agent in the field.
a linesman is a wanker. is that clear enough?
sport and politics don`t mix. unless you`re arsene wenger.
ten men are hard to beat. unless you have nine.
robbie fowler is not god.........there is no such thing. he`s probably a space alien.
my top ten favorite footballers of all time.
michael owen.
robbie fowler.
steven gerrard.
johann cruyff.
pele.
vinnie jones.
vinnie jones.
peter osgoode.
kevin keegan.
bobbie charlton. (tears of joy.........)
world cup predictions.
england win against germany in the final 3-1. diego maradona has a heart attack. beckenbauer is still smiling `cause he knows..............come on england, come on england, COME ON ENGLAND!
question; why do some national team shirts have stars above the crest?
answer; brazil, 5 world cups, england 1 world cup, italy 3 dictators.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Could you say why you have included Vinnie Jones(and his clone ?) in your top ten ? I could hazard a guess but it`s your question ! BTW have you seen today`s merseyside derby yet (don`t wanna spoil the result) ?

dr.alistair said...

with vin on the park there`s no room for swanning about like a cisse or a morientes. it makes managers take a more direct approach to strikers........and i put vin in twice for emphasis. could have put ron harris or denis law in but i pick vin twice. and, yes i saw the derby live 7.30am eastern standard time. we only have ten men.........

anu said...

I only know Pele. I read inspiring stories about him in school.

dr.alistair said...

an enlightened being........a god in the world.