Wednesday, March 01, 2006

march 1st.......................

march 1st is a day i look forward to. not so much because of what could happen today but because of what it represents.
it means that the cold of winter is coming to an end and that the grass will begin to grow again and the leaves will emerge from thier buds as the air begins to warm.
we are a month or so away from that and it will probably snow here well before then.
but march 1st means that we are only four more weeks away from that.
it gives me hope. a little lift to my step. something to smile about as i look at my soccer boots in the closet waiting for the feel of the grass and dirt and warmth.
there are days and nights here in the dead of winter when you feel as if nothing can ever be warm again, so you steel yourself for the shock and the bite of the cold. it builds a determination inside though. a resolution that i would not relinquish. it is a yearly training course in stubborn refusal to give in and move to arizona. i would miss the bike rides in -20 degree weather. i would miss the three layers of shirts and sweaters under my jacket as i ride. i take some pleasure from the fact that i can get socks that will keep my feet warm in my boots on the bike. it is a good life.
but when the days begin to warm up then the layers can come off and it is like being reborn to a new life of dri-fit t-shirts and sandals and mountain bike shorts. it is the way angels in heaven dress. with little holes in the shirt for the wings.
and a clean mountain bike. i haven`t cleaned my bike in months. too cold. i feel bad though when i look at it covered in dirt, salt and oil. soon, soon you will be clean.
when it warms up enough to open up the outside water tap.
when it warms up enough to run the length of the soccer field until you can`t run any more. and then laugh.
that`s what march 1st means to me.


anu said...

What a lovely description Dr. Here where i live, the sun always shines brightly so much that it has coloured me brown:)

It does not snow here in Bombay. Long ago i had once visited a hillstation (Shimla in North India) and we went to a snow mountain. It was fun sliding down the soft snow and crushing it in my hands.

Here's wishing you happy sunny and soccer days to come :)

dr.alistair said...

thank you. do you wish it to snow in bombay?

anu said...

Oh, you asked that qs so innocently, almost like a little baby!

Yea i do wish once in a while it snows in bombay.

And someday when it does, then, I will catch the snowflakes in my hands. I will build tiny snow mountains and huge snow mans with a smiling face. I will throw snow balls at my little sister and will bunk work becoz there is too much snow outside :)

I will cuddle cozily inside the house with hot coffee and watch my favourite T.V. programs and sleep deep under huge blankets. I will wear long overcoats, crazy looking fur caps and over sized gloves to keep myself warm and sit beside the fireplace with my grandpa and listen to his stories from the past:)

dr.alistair said...

i do treasure the snow here, but i couldn`t imagine living somewhere were it snows all the time.

anu said...

Dr? i used to write draft mails expressing my feelings and never send them.

All my feelings of anger, hate, resentment etc used to be there.

Someone has forwarded all these draft mails to my ex and a common friend. Everyone is gettin back at me with a lot of venom.

I've no clue how this is all happenning. Maybe i shall just delete my blog and my whole mail and go away.

I'm so sick and tired of representing myself time and again and pleading guilty.

I've not done anything wrong Dr. These mails are mere expressions of my feelings for myself to come to terms with me not for anyone else to see.

Why am i creating all this stuff Dr where everyone is out to get me and misrepresents and misunderstands me?

dr.alistair said...

"Why am i creating all this stuff Dr where everyone is out to get me and misrepresents and misunderstands me?"

accepting that others will misunderstand things is part of your lesson here. it is not important how things occur, so much as we discipline ourselves to compose ourselves when we experience things happening.
it may seem that others are out to get what?
as you find that center within you that exists out of love for yourself and others, you can accept thier reactions to things. being true to yourself is the first work. the love stuff. being unattached from the reactions of others is next. do not own thier anger. that will let them take you into thier game.
this path is nothing to do with them.
if you feel that your e-mail has been comprimised then change it.
there serves little purpose in keeping old e-mails. the emotional weight of such things can only restrict your growth.
save your strength for the real challenges.........look to do that with the energy that you used to give other people. the energy that you know how to access now.
relationships do one of two things, they support or they limit. you need support now. look to those areas where you can gain support. they are there for the asking. chasing ghosts is conditioned behaviour. break the conditioning through practice.
human consciousness is forged this way. mostly it is trapped and held in bondage as a game between people. occasionally someone slips free.
the mystics throughout history have taught how to slip free. some have paid a heavy price. it shows the value of this freedom.
not everyone has the choice to be free, or ever asks how.
you have.
the people who wish to torment you are relying on your prior conditioning through conscience. when you are so far beyond that, they can never begin to make you resonate with anger, resentment, fear, venom or any other negative emotion.
your first act of unconditional love for yourself is to disarm the attack.
let go of e-mails etc. that are being used against you.
what else have they got?
let go of that too.............

anu said...

I am in tears reading your reply. Thankyou Dr for being so compassionate with me.

I'm so tired of telling everyone that i'm good i'm not mean and wicked. They have proof my mails from my own mail id. These are people who i love and care for.
I dont have any proof i just have my own truth in my heart that is all.

At work one guy knows to find out whether an id has been hacked. DO you think i shud ask him to probe into this?

Or shud i just let the whole thing go and let every one go whoever chooses to not believe me.

If it is true, then why is it so difficult to prove it Dr??

dr.alistair said...

the truth in your heart is all you ever need. the energy of the sun it`s self flows through it.
find out about the technical issues regarding your e-mail. if your friend at work can help, all the better.
then let it go once and for all.
about belief........people will do what suits them. personally, i don`t negotiate with beliefs in any aspect of my life. it`s a game.
if someone says that they don`t believe you......what does that mean?
it only means what you want it to mean. i think you want it to mean less and less each moment.
that`s for them to deal with.
you have some work to do in witnessing yourself accepting yourself, your gifts and your strengths.
that`s where the power is, in how you offer yourself to the world. embracing the abundance of everything. loving yourself so that you wouldn`t ever consider negotiating to have someone believe you again.
accept or reject.
choose now.
and walk away without attachment.
why do we need to be believed?
we don`t.
we are conditioned to feeling that it`s necessary to be believed because that`s the trap of conscience. if you are working to be believed then you are trapped in a game without end.
don`t answer the first stupid question just because it`s easy.
please like me!
please believe me!
i`m a good person, just let me prove it........
that`s the sound the trapped person makes when caught.

anu said...

Dr I truely appreciate your guidance and all your efforts on me.

I probably lack so much of self esteem that even though i am truthful, i make my truth seem weak becoz i dont trust myself enough. I dont love myself enough.

Everyone is talking about what they think is 'my truth'. But how would anyone but me know my truth at all. My truth is in my own heart and soul and what i choose to believe is true.

So rightly you pointed out Dr. that 'why do i need someone to believe me in the first place?' Beco i dont beleive in myself.

I did not bother to get into finding who hacked my account Dr. I just deleted my email id. Finished its gone and over.

I'll start again. I want to and will work on myself. There must be a reason why all of this is happenning to me and i'm being so sensitive to these issues. Probably so that i can connect with my self.

There is nothing i want more.

I've got my kidney reports. My right kidney has shrunk and is 7" and my left kidney is 9". Right one apparently functions 45% and left 55%. As usual my doctors told me it is an incurable disease.

Something strange about the whole thing though. I believe i can revive it. And in the kidney issue, i dont feel the need to convince my docs or anybody else. I just believe it. Even as i go for dialysis two times a week. I dont know where this power is coming from, but i know it is there.

I'll keep running doctor. And maybe some day i can run and play soccer with you :)

dr.alistair said...

the more we find the means to love ourself the need for belief slips from usage in our language and thoughts.
the idea of belief is noise.
the symphony is love.

dr.alistair said...

the faith to heal comes from that growing sense of love.
take heart, take confidence and have trust in that.