Saturday, July 22, 2006

dr. alistair`s continued pontification.....

in my never ending desire to see my words in print no matter what the consequences, i give you my views on how to best choose those who you wish to partner with.
it`s pretty simple really. you need to find out what a person`s core beliefs and values are and see them brought to functionality in thier lives. that means taking time to know someone for more that a night or two or for thier financial or social position.
at the very core of our being are mechanisms that are filters by which we percieve the world. these things are commonly called values. our values are derived from our experiences and the values of those we hold as important in our lives. parents, friends, teachers, media personalities, historical figures, etc.
values aren`t necessarily absolute, though those involing gravity, taxes and death should be seen as such for most situations onw will encounter. values are flexible and interchangeable but it`s much better to see those around you as sharing values than trying to alter another`s values for your own benifit.
so you are comfortable with a person and have spent a fair bit of time with them and then, come hockey season, you find that they cannot stand your hockey team............
trivial.
i`m referring to values about important things like how you want to live your life, issues about children, how to invest your money, retirement plans.
i get as serious as to ask a person thier ten highest values in thier life and see if mine are similar.
if you share the top one or two you will likely make it.
if you share the top three or four you had better stay together.
if you share more you have died and gone to heaven.
what if you don`t share many values but are still happy and functional together?
tip toe very carefully around issues of disagreement and be flexible.

3 comments:

Yves said...

. . . or else allow that magical thing called love possess you. It does not happen to everyone. If it happens it may happen late in life.

dr.alistair said...

the unconditional love for the self? i find that people are desperate to find love in someone else. this seems to me to but a tremendous burden on the other person and let you off looking within.
i am going through a seperation right now and i`ve met someone who i enjoy being with and i resist the urge to put stuff on her as we spend time in eachother`s company. she doesn`t owe me happiness or anything else. she doesn`t even owe me companionship. if it happens, so be it. it will be a blessing.

Yves said...

I think that the unconditional love for the self is the key thing as you indicate but we need to have it validated (a word which you have used in various contexts) by receiving love. When we have been truly loved by another person - ideally in childhood - from then on we have a self-assurance, because we are able to love our own self.

I am fortunate enough to receive a great deal of love from my partner - whom I have met in what some would call old age - and it reconciles me to my own self, which I realise I never accepted in earlier life: always wanted to be different from what I really was.